First, I just want to say that I have been debating for a couple of days whether or not to post this, but NT convinced me to do it. The main reason I was debating it is because this is a very insular story--it is Rodney's POV, and Rodney alone--and I wasn't sure that was clear enough. As a digression, I was thinking of using Beckett, except that Beckett is, to my mind, tougher than Rodney (you'll see what I mean when you read it). Ultimately, though, I just want to express one very important thing--this is not Sheppard's POV. For Sheppard's POV, you should read friendshipper's wonderful Irresponsible tag story, Three Kinds of Men, which I just read and, really, is much better than this little slurp of a story. That really reflects Sheppard's perspective. It also does more justice to Ronon, because I think Sheppard sees him better than I think Rodney does. Okay -- none of this makes sense to you now, but, hopefully it will.
Anyway, here we go.
Title: A Different Kind of Courage
Author: Tipper
Disclaimer: Stargate: Atlantis and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story was created for entertainment purposes only. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s), not me. Thank you to the amazing writers, producers, actors, crew and directors who bring these shows to life.
Rating: Gen/T – angst, with hints of action/adventure and h/c, but not much
Status: Complete
WARNING: There are HUGE SPOILERS for Irresponsible.
Description: Trapped with his thoughts, McKay finds himself wondering about the darkness that lives within two of the people he trusts the most in the world.
________________________________________
There was a certain madness to it—one Rodney McKay, brilliantly mad in his own way, could not fully understand. It was something primal, something deep, something essential that John Sheppard and Ronon Dex had…and he did not.
He had seen it in their eyes several times, a sort of shiny, wide open, almost maniacal need to get revenge on those that had hurt them and hurt their own. It was bloodthirsty and dark and focused. It was rational—to them—and necessary. Very necessary. Because it often meant ending a threat that could otherwise return to threaten them again, and, in some cases, had. But it seemed to leech any sense of morality or humanity out of them—and Rodney would be lying if he said it didn’t freak him out a little.
Without question, it made him terribly glad they were on the same side. More, it was humbling to know that he was considered close enough to these two men that they would go to those sorts of extremes for him. True, they would go to those extremes for a number of people, but it was still something that gave Rodney a lump in his throat whenever he thought about it.
But he wondered, could he do the same? Would he? Would he be able to just fire, coldly and without hesitation, if it were revenge for them he was seeking? If it were to end a potential threat, even if there was no threat at the time? Would he have the courage to do it?
It wasn’t the same kind of courage that had him stepping in front of Elizabeth to argue with Kolya. It wasn’t the same courage that had him risking death to save Cadman from fading into the ether. It wasn’t the same courage that had him stepping around the others when Kolya threatened to shoot him, and they tried to get in the way.
This was the courage to take someone’s life, people’s lives, for revenge and to stop a potential (but not necessarily actual) threat.
No, he didn’t think he could. In fact…he knew he couldn’t.
He wondered, was it just because he hadn’t reached that point? Had he not seen enough loss of life, or enough destruction and despair, or endured enough pain to push him to that level? Was it merely like rungs on a ladder, and he just hadn’t climbed high enough? Or was it something more intrinsic, more basic and fundamental, that he just didn’t have inside of him?
Of course, Teyla did not have it inside of her, and her life had not been kind. Her family had been taken from her, her friends. She had seen enough misery for several lifetimes, had been haunted long before they met her. The only real difference that Rodney could see was that she had never been alone. Sheppard and Ronon had each, differently and in their own way, been stranded—one mentally by his government, the other physically by the Wraith. But did it matter? If she had experienced the same…would she be more like them?
Rodney closed his eyes, sitting down on the floor of the cold, black cell, wrapping his arms around his knees and resting his fevered forehead on his legs. He shivered. Cold air swirled down from the small, barred window several feet overhead, brushing the back of his bare neck, slipping cold fingers down his collar to chill his bones underneath the thin black T-shirt. Bruises and cuts marked his face and arms, and there was a dirty bandage around one thigh, where the blade had gone in. Everything hurt, but nothing was killing him.
These people hadn't been looking to kill him. They had been looking for information—for something specific that, in this case, he didn’t know. They had figured that out—painfully. Now they were looking to trade him back to Atlantis. Funny thing was, once Atlantis knew where he was...Elizabeth wouldn't trade for him. He knew that. No, Sheppard and the others would come to rescue him. And that...that is what had started this whole, terrible thought process. Because of what would happen when they came.
He wasn’t there when Sheppard killed Bob, firing into the body of the Wraith without compunction. He wasn’t there when Sheppard and Ronon strapped down Michael to Carson’s infirmary bed, laughing coldly over the Wraith’s predicament and mocking his capture. And he wasn’t there when Ronon killed one of his former commanders while on a trading mission with Teyla, shocking her and nearly losing her friendship.
But he had seen the first two later, on the vid screen. He and Elizabeth had stood there together, both with their arms crossed, both watching with furrowed brows. And he had been there when Ronon stood before Elizabeth’s desk, telling her what he had done. Elizabeth was the one to decide the import of the information, whether to include it in the mission reports back to the SGC, or to bury it. Rodney had only been there to help advise her. Of course, he was loyal to Sheppard and Ronon. And, ultimately, so was Elizabeth. If worst came to worst, they could always fall back on the default argument—that they were at war.
But seeing something after the fact was different from actually being there. He had been there when Ronon suggested he be left alone with Kavanagh, and Sheppard agreed. He had said nothing, one way or the other, just…something about shortness of time. But he hadn’t agreed. It wasn’t his call—and wasn’t that cowardly of him. He’d been deeply grateful that it was Elizabeth’s call and not his.
And he had been there when Sheppard ordered him to fire on that planet after rescuing Carson from Michael. A planet filled with people they had converted, many of whom were still oblivious to what had happened to them. He had obeyed, hesitating only until ordered again. It was Beckett who had tried to argue, not him. Again, it wasn’t his call.
And he had been there when Sheppard, without a word, had shot him, thinking he was Taliban. Did the person Sheppard saw in his hallucinatory world even have a gun? Or was it revenge for the loss of his men, and the near loss of whomever Teyla was representing in his arms, combined with the simple act of ending just another threat. In that case, the existence of a gun didn’t matter.
And he had been there when Sheppard saw Kolya for the first time on Lucius’ new home world, saw the gleam in his eye as he agreed with Ronon to just walk out there and fire. He had looked hungry over the prospect, excited even. To kill Kolya, even if it meant the loss of innocent people. If Teyla hadn’t been there…. Because Rodney wouldn't have spoken. He never did, unless others spoke first. He stayed in the background, the last to speak, the weakest of the three dissenters there.
In none of those cases could Rodney have acted as Sheppard and Ronon did. He couldn’t make the decision to torture Kavanagh. He couldn’t make the decision to kill someone in cold blood, whether it be Taliban or Kolya…or Wraith. But was it truly just courage he lacked…or something else? Something darker?
Rodney jumped as the world around him suddenly came alive with gunfire. Through the tiny window overhead, he heard feet scrambling, running. Then, through the door of his barred cage, he heard more shots fired, more feet running. He heard voices, yelling and screaming.
Rodney looked up, towards the cell doors.
Ronon was standing there, a huge, muscled arm around the neck of one of Rodney’s torturers, yelling at the small man to open the cell. The cringing figure gasped for air as he fumbled with the heavy keys, nearly dropping them a couple of times before finding the right one. His pale hands shook as he inserted the key into the metal lock.
Rodney remembered how the man had given him water, encouraging him to drink after the worst of the sessions. Promising him that it would be over soon. It was oddly kind.
Without a word, McKay used the cold stone wall behind him to get up to his feet. Ronon was staring at him through the bars, assessing his injuries. Rodney tried to hide the bandage on his leg, to make it less obvious, but the Satedan saw it all as he was slowly suffocating his captive.
The torturer shoved open the cell door with a bang and begged for mercy as Ronon let up his hold slightly, pleaded to be let go. The pleas just bounced off the Satedan like so much white noise.
“You okay?” Ronon asked, eyes fixed on McKay, and his muscles tensed in his arms, cutting off the torturer's voice.
Rodney hesitated. If he answered truthfully, he knew what would happen. Could see the fear in the small man’s eyes as he fought against Ronon’s choking grip, eyes bugging out of his skull from lack of oxygen.
And so he lied.
“I’m okay,” he answered, swallowing to cover the roughness of his voice. “They didn’t hurt me.”
Ronon’s eyes narrowed, clearly disbelieving the statement. After all, he had visual proof in front of him. Rodney didn’t know what he looked like, but his face was tender, his jaw swollen, and the cuts all stung. He’d been beaten on for hours, tortured with a knife, threatened over and over and over…He could guess what he looked like.
“Much,” he said then, amending the statement. “They didn’t hurt me much.”
The Satedan still looked puzzled, but, slowly, he nodded. “Come on then.”
Rodney staggered forward, limping on the bad leg, trying to hide just how painful it was. He slipped out the door and started forward. When he reached the stairs leading up to the outside, he turned to look behind him at the sound of the cell door slamming shut. Ronon had thrown his former torturer inside—still alive—and locked him in. Then Ronon was bounding up to McKay and, before the scientist really understood what was happening, had ducked under Rodney's shoulder, put an arm around his waist and was practically lifting him up the stairs.
Cold, winter sunlight poured in from the outside, and Rodney shivered violently when he was brought out in the open, feeling the wind lash his face and across his bare arms. He only seemed to get colder as they moved across the small prison courtyard to the outer doors, despite the warmth of the body pressed against his side, lugging him along. He lowered his head in tiredness, just letting Ronon do the work of leading them, of keeping him upright.
“Not much further,” Ronon muttered in his ear, encouraging him forward.
Rodney looked up as they neared the thick outer wall, and found himself looking at Teyla. She stood by the doors, her eyes staring down the sight of the P90, glancing only briefly at Rodney as Ronon dragged him past her. He saw her furrow her brow at his appearance, her expression darkening briefly with anger, but then it smoothed out again, her attention focused on guarding their backs.
And on the other side of the doors, pointing a weapon out towards the few militia men hovering around, their arms raised and their guns on the ground, was Sheppard.
Like Teyla, the colonel only glanced at him then returned his gaze to the enemy. He retained a blank look—which told Rodney more than any other expression could.
“Get him inside,” the colonel ordered.
Rodney frowned, puzzled at the statement as Ronon pushed him forward into the wide open town square, but then he tripped over something invisible…and found himself inside a jumper. He was shoved to the side, and a blur of motion showed Teyla and Sheppard running by him. Ronon shut the hatch…and they were lifting off the ground.
Rodney looked to his right, and saw Carson in the pilot’s seat, getting them up off the ground and into the safety of the sky. Teyla had sat in the co-pilot’s seat, already reporting on troop movement, and Sheppard was standing by Carson’s elbow, peering down at the town below as it disappeared. Then the colonel looked back at Rodney.
His eyes narrowed, and Rodney tried to slide back into the shadows, as if embarrassed.
The colonel’s jaw clenched, and he ordered Carson out of the seat. The physician didn’t question, just fell out of the chair and stumbled back towards Rodney. Sheppard slid into the seat and the jumper turned around, heading back towards the town.
“Don’t!” Rodney called, hating that his voice was still hoarse. “Don’t destroy it!”
Sheppard frowned, turning to look at him in puzzlement.
“Destroy what?”
“I…” Rodney blinked, realizing that he had jumped to the wrong conclusion. “I…I thought you were going to destroy the prison.”
Sheppard just looked at him again, brow furrowed, showing nothing in his eyes at all, then turned and angled the jumper towards the Stargate in the distance. He had just been turning the jumper around, that’s all.
Rodney lowered his head, not sure whether to be relieved…or sort of disappointed. Which was incongruous. Because he was…he was disappointed. He felt sick.
“Sheppard already killed the people who tried to trade you,” Ronon said abruptly. “Shot some when they didn't immediately say where you were, and the others when they said they'd tortured you.”
Rodney’s head snapped up, eyes wide. The Satedan was sitting opposite him, watching as Carson bustled around the scientist, clicking his tongue as he poked and prodded. Rodney ignored the physician.
“What?” he asked, blinking a few times when Ronon seemed to blur a little in his sight.
The Satedan just smiled knowingly, coldly…deadly.
The sound of Teyla hitting the chevrons to take them home filled the jumper.
Rodney tipped his head back to rest against the wall of the ship, closing his eyes.
And shivered.
________________________________________
The End
- Music:Regina Spektor (still!)
Profile
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
tipper_green- tipper_green
- Tipper
Page Summary
- angw : You were right - this was a 'shorter' one :) [+1]
- sgatazmy : (no subject) [+1]
- (Anonymous) : (no subject) [+1]
- cybersyd : (no subject) [+1]
- nottasha : Glorious [+3]
- marf_the_river : (no subject) [+1]
- (Anonymous) : re Wow [+1]
- gate_biscuit : Short but (bitter)sweet [+4]
- parisntripfan : (no subject) [+1]
- (Anonymous) : Review [+1]
- sablecain : (no subject) [+0]
- parisindy : (no subject) [+1]
- (Anonymous) : (no subject) [+0]
Comments
I definitely like his analysis - He wondered, was it just because he hadn’t reached that point?...Of course, Teyla did not have it inside of her, and her life had not been kind...The only real difference that Rodney could see was that she had never been alone. Sheppard and Ronon had each, differently and in their own way, been stranded—one mentally ...If she had experienced the same...would she be more like them?
Interesting also is the idea of Rodney hauling off and shooting someone, whether or not he feels he has the guts to do it. He is such a freakizoid when he gets a gun in his hand sometimes, I wonder about how you would write him in a situation where he had to kill in the same steady, calculating way that Sheppard does.
This story is just so cool. I should know better than to read it early in the morning, when I am most chatty and creative--much to my family's chagrin!
A longer fic? Oh, I don't know. I did think up a story once, one where Rodney disobeys something Sheppard orders him to do, because he couldn't leave three people behind on a planet being overrun by Wraith, even if the three were Genii soldiers. And then, of course, the soldiers turn on them. But I never wrote it, in part because I couldn't think of a way to have Sheppard forgive him. Who knows, maybe, when the show is over, I might try again. Or you could! LOL!
I like Rodney's confused desire for vengeance, to see the prison (and everyone in it) destroyed... and then again not. Because he really isn't that kind of guy, but maybe Sheppard is? Maybe Sheppard would do that for him? Because Rodney didn't really want that to happen, but still kinda does at the same time... Okay, what I just said doesn't make a lot of sense, but you illustrated it so beautifully. LOL. The story is lovely. Great stuff.
STOAT!
MARMOT!!
Then I read it again, and it's still leaving me with incoherence. I'm not quite sure what to say. There are words, of course, like wow, or interesting, or how true, or what a great idea and a great way to put it, or how too seldom explored is that darkness, and how often we forget, and thank you for exposing it so beautifully.
But those are all inadequate, aren't they? We should have uploadable feelings, so you would know what I mean, that it's not just wow, or awesome, or whatever else...
This has to be the worst review ever LOL
It's good. It's good, okay? Is that all right? It's very good.
It's funny about that darkness in the show, because it's not something that exists in SGA all the time. The moments are brief. Okay--Ronon shows it more than Sheppard, but every so often, like those few seconds of time in Irresponsible, something frightening appears in John's eyes. It doesn't last, but it's there. What made it so jarring this time, was because the episode was basically taking place in Disneyland, so it was more obvious to me. To my mind, that underlying darkness is what what makes him such a great character, because it's something he both is and isn't. And I love that Rodney has never had to make a hard decision. Elizabeth has, forced to by her position of power, but not Rodney. Part of me hopes he never has to.
Thank you!
Fantastic story. Loved it.
-flah7
One of the things I love best about Atlantis is how wrong everyone is for their assigned roles. The military commander is an Air Force burnout, the military outpost's commander is a civilian diplomat and the science chief is a know-it-all who can't possibly know it all in an alien galaxy. They're in a constant state of just barely muddling through. The show barely touches on how hard it all must be for them.
Great story! Mad love!
You could probably write a really cool tag to Grace Under Pressure
I'm just sayin'...
What I find really interesting is that he see this as a fault. I am not saying that it is not, but I like that Rodney sees it as one.
It is interesting that Rodney has not have been asked to make the though choices. And I agree that I am not sure I want to see that happen.
Well, if I keep this up the review will be longer than the actual story. Suffice to say I think this is a marvelous work.
--Silverthreads
Anyway, I'm really glad you liked it! What's sort of funny is that, I have a bunch of these. I just never post them. I generally prefer plot--it's more fun and less likely to be colored by my own perceptions. Plus, hell, I like things to explode. LOL! Thank you so much!
Again I point out that you are the master. I like how conflicted you make McKay and how well he knows Sheppard and Ronon--enough to lie to Ronon. I like that he doesn't come to any understanding at the end because I don't think he can understand completely.
Ever since The Storm/The Eye I've wanted to see more about the darkness in Sheppard. You know its there just because he was such an efficient KILLER in those episodes. I like how you have Rodney thinking about it!
hey, and it wasn't a cliff hanger;)